No kisses in my heart...

"I have no kisses in my hawt." 

It's been a pretty common phrase around here, though it seems to be waning a bit lately. It comes from the mouth of a little girl who is feeling grumpy and wants a legitimate way to avoid an "unpleasant" task. We laugh it off on the outside, but always there's this little nagging feeling of being rejected. Of manipulation. Of something that just isn't quite what it should be. Deep down in my mama heart when my precious little girlie I'd give anything for stands back with pouty lips and downcast eyes and says "I don't have any kisses in my hawt." it stings.



I have no kisses in my heart for you. No affection worth overcoming my bad attitude for. No delight in your presence. No joy in being your daughter. My feelings just aren't there right now, so I'm going to push you away. I'll go to bed without my good night kiss rather than bend my emotions. My feelings are more important to me than you are. My emotions will run the show. If you force the issue I'll just give a reluctant peck on the cheek with soft lips that do not pucker. My wispy long eyelashes you love so much will bat down to shield my face from your gaze. I am going to stomp on your love tonight. See you in the morning.







Ouch. That kind of hurts. We know love must be freely given if it's really worth anything. We can't force someone to love us. To love us enough to lay aside their love for themselves and do something they don't "want" to do. Forced outward actions will never reach the heart--their heart or ours.

The first time or two, yes, we found it funny. Such an original idea! But as it continued, I began to meditate on what was behind it all. And then I saw myself. Just a wee bit pouty. No one had time for ME today. I gave and worked and helped and trained and gave some more, and all anyone did was ask for more. Maybe there was just the slightest chip on my shoulder as I crawled into bed. "I don't have time and energy, Lord, to have my quiet time. Sorry." No kisses in my heart tonight. Nothing real big, just a little feeling of embarrassment because I'd missed that quiet time yesterday too. Just a little peeved at how the day had gone. Just a little. Nothing much. And surely I can use the excuse this time that I'm exhausted. I really am. Nevermind I had stayed up so late because I saw an interesting conversation on FaceBook and couldn't put it down, but I'm just too tired and it's late and I... have no kisses in my heart for you, God. No affection worth overcoming my bad attitude for. No delight in your presence. No joy in being your daughter. My feelings just aren't there right now, so I'm going to push you away. I'll go to bed without my good night kiss rather than bend my emotions. My feelings are more important to me than you are. My emotions will run the show. My weary eyelids with fall shut, and another day will be gone without making a connection with that loving Father.

Ouch.

I have no kisses in my heart, tonight, God.

 

One of those days... too many times!

Have you ever had a difficult day... and then another... and another... until your bad day becomes a stressful week which turns into a tearful month? I have! I'm going to be honest... I'm in the midst of one of those times of life right now. Things aren't always perfect. Aren't usually perfect, actually. Reality is... life is hard sometimes. Now, I know my life right now isn't really hard compared to some people, and that perspective really helps.

Lumberjack is working long, hard hours. He leaves before anyone else is up in the morning. He gets home in time for a late supper, immediately after which we put the kids to bed. He checks his business email, walks Princess to sleep, and his eyes shut the instant his head hits the pillow. His work doesn't need to be redone every 5 minutes, but is still standing just as beautiful years later. Some days it's hard not to be upset that he can be breathing God's fresh air all day, go to sleep almost instantly at night, and has something to show for his hard work by the end of the day. I wish he has more time to spend talking, so I could at least converse with another adult for a few minutes without constantly being needed by a little person. But, I could be raising our children all alone. I could be crying myself to sleep because he isn't coming home. He could be spending his hard-earned money on rigging up a fancy sports car or hunting gear or worse, and making me budget tightly just to put food on the table. He could spend all his non-work hours in front of a TV playing video games. But instead he works hard at home and away to ensure a comfortable home with

My children fight and bicker and squabble their way through the day. Manly just won't play with Big Stuff, or they turn Little Miss away. Princess decides to spend the afternoon inconsolable instead of napping nicely. Bid Stuff decides school isn't what he wants to do and he fights it all day long instead of getting through quickly so he can go play. Life somehow isn't quite the way I imagined it! But again, I have so much to be grateful for. Big Stuff is our miracle child, who could easily have died at birth or shortly thereafter. He shouldn't even be here, but for the grace of God Who spared his life. Or I look at my memorial photo of Treasure, and wish with aching heart to be listening to those pattering little feet tracking mud across the floor. Perspective. I have too many blessings to count!

Somedays, survival itself seems like enough work for one person. And that's okay. If all you did today was survive, you accomplished something! But as you cry yourself to sleep tonight (as I did after the day outlined above) remember tomorrow is another new day. My experiences today do not have to project to tomorrow. Tomorrow, by the strength of the Lord who spoke the beautiful flowers into being, can be better. How many times have I fallen asleep begging God to help me and give me strength because my responsibilities in just getting 4 children clothed, fed, and kind of cleaned up after seemed like too much? And that's besides teaching school and make my home a joyful, restful, sanctuary for my husband when he comes home. It is way too big for me to handle on my own! And in this season, some things that were on the "must do" list don't get done. The bone broth grows moldy in the crockpot, the fridge smells to high heaven and I don't have the time or energy to scout it out, and the floor in the school room is gritty with sand from the hems of little boys' jeans. Sigh. But, I keep having to remind myself it's okay. It really is. Food may get wasted, laundry may get bleached, but we made it through the day and have tomorrow to look forward to. In a million years, we will not remember the little trials, but we will know whether we have done our most important work--leading others along heaven's path. Go ahead and cry awhile, precious Mama, but then wipe those tears and count some blessings. They will come back to reward you.

HomeKeeper November Challenge

During this busy holiday season it's so easy to lose our focus on what's important and focus on that overwhelming "Must-Do" list. Which is important... at least it seems that way when you're standing in Toys-R-Us trying to figure out how to juggle gift buying with budgeting in a way that no one is left out or offended. Now that's stressful! And, of course, necessary.

But what about the most important things? What about our walk with God? And our homes and family?

So this November, my challenge to you is to become a prayer warrior for your home. As you go through your house each day, pray for it. Pray for the person inhabiting each bedroom. Pray for a peaceful atmosphere in the living room. Pray for health and joy as you work in the kitchen. Cover your home with prayer, so that all who enter will be blessed. Pray for opportunities to use your home as a place to minister to others. Pray that God would fill your home with His Spirit, His grace, His joy, His peace.

Even though our homes are just built of wood and stone, and will someday be gone, they are still an important part of our lives. Let's use them to honor our Creator. And let's not ignore the "best" for the "good". Make sure you make time to pray, even if it is over a sudsy sink of dishes.

Connect with me!

Enjoying what you see? There are a couple little boxes just over there to the right... you can follow this blog by email OR if you have a gmail account you can click "Join This Site." I'd love for you to comment and say hi as well!

There is also a sister page on FaceBook (https://www.facebook.com/HomeKeeper-Helper-1036779436355209/) where you can follow along! Like it, and you'll be notified when there's a new post! Also I'd be delighted if you wanted to drop a hint on there of what you'd like to see here on the blog or on the FB page. I'm also thinking of starting a group to ask questions, share tips, whatever you feel like doing! Is anyone interested?

Introduction To Our Life....

Now that you know a little who we are as people, let me introduce you to some of the other facets of our lives! We live on a small acreage in the country in Wisconsin, in an old farmhouse we had moved on to our property when our house trailer got too small. We've spent the last 2 1/2 years remodeling it and fixing things up so we can sell it, and hopefully move on to a bigger acreage once we find one available that fits our needs.

Our house

So, what are those needs? For one, a space to put Lumberjack's shop. Right now he's renting one, but it's not real suited to the type of work he does, and he needs some more space to spread his wings. Er, logs. He's the local expert on log buildings, and has had lots of work repairing and maintaining log structures, as well as building some new ones. He sells lumber and specialty wood products out of his rented shop. He's a fine craftsman and artist with wood--as long as when you think artist you think practically, big, and full log size type stuff.

Another need is a place to put our animals. We started with one angus cross heifer, and now our herd has grown to two cows, two heifer calves, and a yearling steer, without buying a single animal. Well, at the moment we also have a borrowed bull in our pasture so we can add to the herd by two again next year. Our herd has long outstripped our pasture, and is beginning to push the limits of our rented pasture as well. Thankfully, our freezer is also full with a grassfed steer off of our own land, from our own cow. Gotta love the homestead life! Oh, and we also have about 40 chickens in the freezer that we raised over the summer. And 10 hens out in the backyard for our own fresh eggs. There's also a rooster out there, so hopefully we'll be seeing some chicks running around out there next summer!

To add to the hobby farm feel we have two big Alaskan Malamutes, a male (Kodi) and female (Tundra), which we have around as pets and as an income supplement/science teaching tool with a litter of puppies every so often. We have used Kodi to pull our little red wagon sometimes, and we do have a dogsled but need to get a harness for Tundra before we can really do much with it as it's too big and heavy for one dog to easily pull. And, last but not least, we have the skunk defying, sandwich stealing tom cat named Yeller.

Indoors, we at the present time have only one little Betta fish, Bertie, as a part of the decorations in our kitchen... His predecessor, Flash, was finished off by a little overly helpful human topping off his fish bowl with cold water, and poor Flash somehow ended up on the floor halfway across the kitchen. Bertie won't be facing the same fate, now the children have been educated!

I hope to soon give you a tour of our home as well. I love our house, and I'll be sad to eventually move out. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy living here, and work at getting some pictures of it for you to see!

All I do is flush toilets!

It seems like lately every time I turn around lately I'm smelling rancid pee. Or worse. Then the hunt is on to determine which of our 3 bathrooms is the source... and which of my 3 stinkers was the culprit. I usually end up flushing at least two of the toilets, turning off the bathroom lights/fan, lighting a candle, and shutting the door too. Only to repeat shortly. Again. And. Again.

Then I finally make it outside to hang up a load of wash. Instead of enjoying the breeze and sunshine, I find myself steaming over always flushing toilets. And then I hang up an item I had only washed a few days ago. Seriously? This is dirty again?

And that is only a reminder that recently I had pulled an entire stack of clean, still folded little boys' jeans out of the DIRTY laundry hamper. C'mon, kids, is throwing clothes down the laundry chute really that much fun? Or were you just too lazy to actually put them in the drawer after I washed, hung up, took down, folded, and handed you that stack of clean pants? Now THIS time put them AWAY. In the drawer. Neatly. Where they belong.

Meanwhile, the baby monitor squawks. Looking despairingly at the half empty basket of laundry still waiting to be folded, I leave it there to go feed that hungry Princess again. She slurps, and burps, and fills her diaper. After changing her diaper, and her clothes, I get to go on yet another toilet flushing spree.

And, you guessed it, one thing leads to another, and suddenly the laundry's been bleaching in the sun for two hours. (Hint: Not sure why laundry bleaches fast in the basket than out, but it makes some strange patterns on nice clothes when a basket of laundry sits in the sun for too long!) Lay Princess down, tip toe from the bedroom, and hurriedly finish the load of laundry while hoping Lumberjack is late again so I don't have to feel guilty about not having supper ready on time.

And that's how life seem to go. One repetitive chore after another. Children who don't seem to care if there are clean clothes carpeting their bedroom floor. More fires to put out during a day than you have time or energy to deal with. And life, never mind the house, seems like one royal mess! Life with small children seems so hectic and wearisome. And yet all you seem to do is flush toilets.

Let us lift our minds and hearts above the daily drudgery! I need the reminder more than you, believe me. When it seems I only turned circles all day I feel discouraged and defeated. Surely I was made for bigger things! My joys, my talents, my interests are buried underneath an ever expanding mountain of laundry and being smothered by the demands of hungry bellies. But the owners of those hungry bellies are eternal souls. The little one whose dirty dress I'm washing for the second time in the same week might one day have to scrub blood from her shirt after saving a life. The little feet tracking sand in from the sandbox might someday be tracking through more hostile sand in search of souls for the Kingdom of God. The greasy fingerprints left on the walls belong to someone who might one day be trusted to fix something that would mean life or death to a hundred people flying over the ocean.

And on a practical note--I have found it hugely helpful to have one, just one, little corner that I can keep clean. Effort spent in keeping that place spotless is effort paid off when I need to lay my eyes on something restful. At one point it was the couch. If the couch could just be clean, I could take a deep breath of refreshment when I glanced at it and find courage to face down another mountain somewhere else. Right now, my refreshing place is my laundry room. Now that may sound silly or hard to keep up with, but it is organized and laid out so well it only takes me about 5 minutes to clean it, including mopping the floor. Being just off the kitchen, I see it all the time. The kids don't play in there, so it doesn't tend to get full of their clutter. Someday, yes, someday I will make more than one restful spot, but for now, this will have to do. Speaking of which, I need to take my 5 minutes to go clean it while Princess is still sleeping...

Introduction To The Family...

Hello! I'm glad to see you here! Let me introduce myself and share a little about my life, family, and blog. For starters, let me introduce my family, starting with the newest addition:

Princess is all of two months old. She's everybody's pet, and is growing like a weed. (Her daddy's nickname for her is "Monster"--weighing in at 16 pounds already, it's almost appropriate!) Needless to say, at this point all she does is eat, sleep, fill diapers, and fuss, with her days generously sprinkled with smiles and coos as well in happy moments of being the center of attention.

Treasure is our angel baby, would be 15 months old, and is remembered always in our hearts.

Little Miss is 3, delighted to be a big sister! She loves to help with the baby, in the kitchen, with the laundry, and any time I need to "spway" something to clean it. In general, she's my right hand helper and loves to be initiated into the wonders of homemaking. She is doing kindergarten this year in school, and is breezing through it even though she's so young. She wants to learn to read!

 

Manly is 5, and says he wants to be an EMT and a mechanic when he grows up. He loves to tinker with things, off by himself somewhere, and is always happiest at home with all of us nearby. He's a neat and tidy little fellow naturally, which I sure don't mind! He'll often set things right about the house... even when I haven't asked him to do something. He's also doing kindergarten in school this year, and loves it.

Big Stuff is our big 8 year old. He's super friendly, super energetic, super affectionate, and has a super imagination. There are no half-ways with this young man... as long as his excitement stays up! His ambition is to do whatever it is that makes money, including big ideas to sell his well-used toy for $100. Sorry, Son! But watch out world when he gets big enough to wield that entrepreneurial spirit! He's doing some third grade and some fourth grade stuff in school, and is recovering from a fall on his head with resultant brain surgery over the summer which does affect his academics some.

Lumberjack is my husband. Handsome. Need I say more? He does some logging, some work at our sawmill, and lots of work repairing, chinking, staining, and building log and wood sided structures. He works hard for us, and his muscles show it! (www.KickapooCountryMilling.com) He's a gentle, but strong, manly man who I love with all my heart.

And me, Mom. Wife. Homemaker. Teacher. Cook. Laundress. Entrepreneur. Homesteader wanna-be. Queen of my small realm called Home. Daughter of the King. Ambassador of an unseen Kingdom. That's all the nice stuff... but walk in on me on any given day and you might just find a weepy mess living in a pig pen whose only accomplishment of the day was that no one died. Well, this is real life, with a real battle to be fought. Thanks for joining me!

A Bit About This Blog

You may notice that I have several posts before my introductory post (coming soon!). They are copied from a previous blog I was writing, but due to some focus changes and a new direction I needed to go with it, most of that blog was no longer relevant and I decided to begin afresh. My new direction will include much of what was in the old... food, homemaking, homesteading, health. But I was to include more of me; my family, my life, my businesses, and most of all, how the Lord encourages me in this calling of being a missionary... a missionary to the little heathens I gave birth to, and a minister to my husband. A high, lofty, difficult, impossible calling. But yet an unavoidable one.

So, please join me on this journey of being a home keeper, a keeper of husband and children and home, of the people and place that are the most precious to us...

Canning Dry Beans

A healthy source of protein and dietary fiber, dry beans are a mainstay of many diets in poorer countries of the world. I don't know about you, but for me the main reason I don't use beans more often is that I have to think ahead to use them! The traditional method of soaking them overnight to be cooked the next day almost never happens at my house. I just don't think about meals too much the day before. If I decide on beans for supper by lunch time I can do it the quick way by bringing the beans to a boil for five minutes, then letting them soak for an hour before cooking them. But by far the most used beans at our house are the ones I can. Then they're available instantly, for that last minute "I forgot all about supper!" moment, the days we're gone till supper time, for Sunday lunches when we get home from church at 2 pm and needed lunch an hour ago, and for spur of the moment company. Saves on buying junk food for last minute meals, and they're SO yummy!

First you need some sort of dry bean. I've canned kidney beans for chef's salads and chili, navy beans to add to soup, and most of all, pinto or cranberry beans for refried beans in burritos, quesadillas, and bean dip. Pinto and cranberry beans are very similar, though I prefer the cranberry. They're slightly larger and have a smoother texture when mashed.

Put 1 1/3 cups of dry beans into a colander. You'll want to sort through them to pick out any bad beans or little stones that might be mixed with them. Then rinse them, and put them in a quart canning jar. (Make sure the jar is clean and the rim free of cracks or chips that would inhibit the seal.) When all your jars have 1 1/3 cups of beans in them, you can add any seasoning you want. I often just add 1 teaspoon of salt (Real Salt, for the added minerals that they didn't bleach out of it like regular salt), but have added onion salt, onion and/or garlic pieces, cumin, etc.

Clean, washed Cranberry beans in the jar with salt.

 

Once the seasonings are added, fill the jar to the bottom of the threads with water. You want about 1/2 inch of headspace. Set them in your pressure canner. Follow your canner's directions for adding water, etc.

 

Remember to check the vent hole on the canner lid to make sure it's clean and clear! I often forget, but it's an important step.

Secure the lid and follow your canner's instructions to start it. Process at 10 pounds pressure for 25 minutes. You can also use jars of dry beans to fill up a canner of green beans or meat. Makes use of the space without being much extra work!

To use, open the jar and use however you like! I mostly dump all the contents of the jar into my Vitamix and give it a whirl. Add any more seasonings you like, and heat for quick, yummy burritos. The leftovers I'll spread onto half of tortilla, add some cheese, fold the tortilla over, and heat in a skillet for a very quick, nutritious lunch. Serve with salsa, sour cream, and sprouts! Or add sour cream, cheese, cream cheese, salsa, and browned, seasoned ground meat, heat in a crock pot, and serve with chips as a bean dip.

Or rinse a jars' worth of beans and serve on top a chef's salad. Or dump the beans into a pan with some rice and water, season, and cook till the rice is done--voila, Gallo Pinto, the Nicaraguan national dish. Well, to make it authentic you'd need to do a little more, but hey, it works and tastes great! Add the beans to chili or taco soup, or if they're navy beans, to beef/venison/lamb, or chicken stew.

Enjoy!

Sprouts!

Well, in days when I know we're not the only ones looking forward to winter and wondering how to squeeze the most out of every penny and STILL try to eat healthy, I thought I'd post on sprouts. I know a lot of people do make them, but I'm amazed at the number who haven't. . . and think they need this or that to do it.

Sprouting is one of the cheapest easiest ways I know to get good, healthy, fresh, green, crunchy food in the winter. (And thank you Mom for teaching me how to do this!) I sprout both alfalfa and red clover seed, as I don't care for the sprouts with big seeds or spicy flavors. Red clover has a little more zing to it than alfalfa, but it's almost a sweet zing, and I've gotten to really like it. You can also sprout radish seeds and mung beans and all sorts of other things, but I don't get too adventurous in the experimenting department! For one thing, a little goes a long ways in sprouting, so just a small bag of sprouting seeds will last a LONG time. And if we don't like it, well, there it sits making clutter in my little kitchen.

OK, now for the how-to's. To start you need a clear jar of some sort, a clean nylon sock, a rubber band, and 2 Tablespoons of sprouting seeds. I get my seed through the Country Life co-op, but I imagine you can pick them up at any natural/health food store. You could use about any seeds, but the ones packaged for sprouting are clean, and often organic. Put the 2 TB seeds into the jar, fill with water, and let it sit overnight. In the morning (can be as late as late morning--I don't always have time to do it first thing!I've even forgotten and left if all day too, but then it tends to get a little slimy or something) stretch a portion of the sock over the mouth of the jar and secure with a rubber band. Try to get a portion of the sock with no runs, as the seeds are TINY! Pour out the water, fill the jar again, shake, and pour out the water again. Then, once or twice a day, fill the jar with water, shake, and drain. When the jar is full, rinse an extra time, put a regular lid on it, and put it in your fridge to enjoy!



                                            

Draining the water through the nylon for the first time. See the tiny sprouts already starting?

 

After the first rinsing. These are red clover sprouts.

 

I usually leave the jar in a tilted position so the water doesn't tend to just sit (and make things slimy!) on the bottom. Every time I rinse it I rotate the jar.

 

The full jar of sprouts ready for eating! Yummy!

 

We use our sprouts on sandwiches and burritoes mostly, and add them to salads if we spend the money for lettuce--which we rarely do in the winter when we have sprouts around to provide our greens!

The Aftermath

Having an emergency surgery is scary. And it's not easy to recover when you've lost a good half of your blood volume. Trying to recuperate with three small children, remodeling and moving all at the same time is daunting. But losing a baby in the middle of it all... that is the hardest of all.

We named our baby. We felt like he was a boy, and so he is not an "it". He was a person, real, living, ours... even though we never met him. His name is Treasure. Gone to be with Jesus November 4, 2013. And our hearts ache. Well, more than ache. They are pierced. And I've discovered that the ones who have been through it before can really understand. They know the feeling of a sword in the soul. They know about the tears that come out of nowhere and flood that stinging wound. And they, too, have found the mercy of God bringing sweet balm in the night when the tears won't stop. Now, I know it too.

I remember one night especially. I was laying in my easy chair, looking out into the vast expanse of the dark heavens. Because of residual pain from surgery, I hadn't really been able to let myself cry yet. But the tears started flowing. The emotional pain radiated more excruciating than the physical pain had earlier. I looked at the twinkling stars, and thought of my God. He was big enough to make all that, ALL that amazing expanse, with a word or two. Surely, a God that big could have intervened, could have put Treasure where he belonged, could have stopped this tragedy before it started. But, He didn't. He chose to allow us to walk the path of loss, pain, and anguish. He chose to take Treasure before our precious baby had to discover pain and heartache and sin. He chose to allow Treasure the joys of heaven without the tears of earth. He set our son free. Could I want to bring him back from that, even while my soul yearned against the bonds holding me to earth? I couldn't even question why. I just had a peace flood over me that yes, there was a reason, even though I can't see it now. God was in control, and in His love for Treasure AND for us, He chose to give us the gift of grief.

Knowing I had come so close to joining Treasure in heaven was a little startling for us all, I believe. But, even though I had thought of it as I was being prepped for surgery, I found I was not afraid. I had no apologies to make. Lots to regret, but nothing that hadn't been forgiven. And when it was evident I was going to make it, I found my heart saying with Paul in Philippians "Having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better." Yet too, the heart-groan when you realize that you work on earth is not done! "Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you (meaning, for me, my young family)."

Physically, recovery has been long and hard. After losing so much blood I have been very, very weak. Now it's been more than 6 weeks, and I have gained a little strength back but not a whole lot of stamina. Washing the laundry takes all the strength I have for one day. If I tackle too much, I end up having to rest the entire next day, or two, or three. I have been taking iron tablets to attempt to build my blood up. But my strength is so limited that the Trim Healthy Mama lifestyle has kind of fallen by the wayside. Along with a lot of other things. We have been grateful for much help from church friends and family, bringing meals, helping us move, and helping out with things like laundry and cleaning. I've been told it will probably take around 3 months for me to regain my stamina, so it still seems like a long journey ahead of me.

And the memory of Treasure will remain even after my strength is back and we look like, from the outside, like we always did. But our hearts have been broken, and I trust that God will bring a fragrance from this heart rending that will bring Him honor and glory, and allow us to be a greater blessing to those whom we might chance to meet.

Ectopic Pregnancy

Ectopic (tubal) pregnancies are not all that common, so some may not even know what they are. Others have heard of them, stored the info learned for the future, and went on with life. And others have become experts in them, by the devastating circumstances of having one. And, November 4, I discovered I belonged to this latter category.

And ectopic pregnancy is when a newly conceived baby implants somewhere other than where he belongs, the waiting womb. Most often the spot chosen is in a fallopian tube (thus the common term "tubal pregnancy"), or possibly the ovary or in the abdominal cavity at large. Sometimes it is caught early enough that medication can be used to cause the tube to release the baby, but sometimes there is no sign until the tube ruptures from the pressure of the growing baby. If the tube does rupture, the resulting blood loss can be life threatening. In either case, there is no way to save the baby.

My experience began Monday morning, as I was preparing some things for school. We had known we were pregnant for just more than two weeks, and we were very excited about adding another member to the family. I hadn't been feeling very good already, and was, to be quite honest, dreading the morning sickness coupled with remodeling and taking care of my family. But still, looking forward to July 1 and snuggling a newborn again in my arms. There were several things I found strange about this one. Though I was really hoping for another girl, I felt strongly that it was a boy. And, I found myself wondering if/when I would find myself mourning a miscarriage, as a number of friends had recently been bereaved that way. Almost as if I was being prepared....

I was sitting quietly in the office chair sorting some papers when the pain came. Low in my abdomen, it came in quickly increasing waves. I carefully analyzed it, and decided it must be a bowel issue. Though I had just used the bathroom and hadn't noticed anything unusual. Done with my school prep, I decided to ignore it and head back over to the school room. But I couldn't. It was too intense. I made my way to the bathroom, then to bed. No symptoms but the pain. Feeling a little foolish about being so wimpy about a bowel issue, I called my husband and asked him to come inside and check on me. Thankfully, he was home that day, working on our new house. By the time he came in I could hardly talk. More than just in great pain, I was feeling miserable. Cold, then hot. Sweaty. Sick. The pain was like a bad contraction that wouldn't let up. I finally managed to use the bathroom again, and noticed an extreme pain around the rectal area. (Sorry if too graphic, but I'm hoping that this information might save a life someday.) The pain did subside a little then, though I hadn't noticed any other bowel symptoms, and my husband went back to his project. He had called the clinic, and our doctor was busy with an emergency and wouldn't be able to see us until later. We didn't feel it merited going to the ER, though as EMT's we both should have seen I was at that point in shock. We chalked my shock symptoms up to the pain, and I laid in bed feeling bad that I wasn't getting school done.

I was actually feeling quite a bit better when we got in the van headed for the clinic. But it went downhill quickly from there. I felt faint while checking in, and had to sit down. I was called in promptly, and the nurse couldn't find a blood pressure. She helped me lie down, and ran for the doctor. They transported me via our own ambulance to the ER, where an ultrasound confirmed what I'd refused to consider--the baby was in the tube and it had ruptured. By that time I couldn't lay flat on my back or the pain would radiate up into my chest so intensely I couldn't breathe--a classic symptoms of blood free floating in the abdomen (and, they told me later, so was the localized rectal pain...).

In surgery they removed the "blown apart" tube, and 2 1/2 liters of blood. The average adult body has 4-5 liters of blood, total. The surgeon later told me she would have given me another hour before my heart would have run out of blood to pump, and I would have died. I NEVER passed any blood until several days after the surgery--one symptom that threw us off, as many ectopic pregnancies first show by spotting. 

So please, pass this information on... Shock symptoms are cold, clammy, pale skin, often accompanied by low blood pressure (mine had been low-normal until we got to the clinic and I'd been standing for too long) and feelings of faintness and/or an inability to think clearly. Abdominal pain is not to be ignored, especially if it is localized around the rectum and/or radiates into a shoulder. My body evidently compensates quite amazingly for blood loss, as I never fainted or had a time when I couldn't think clearly. Which is a good thing, if I'm ever in an emergency where I need to do something (like get out of a burning vehicle) while losing blood. But not such a good thing if we don't realize how badly I really am bleeding.

Every person's body is different. Every ectopic pregnancy is different. But do keep it in mind for yourself or a loved one, that shock symptoms, even if they don't always make sense, aren't to be fooled around with. Get to the hospital. Even if it seems like just a normal day. Emergencies happen. Don't take it lightly.

Homemade, Whole Wheat, YUMMY Bread!

I don't know how you feel about home made, whole wheat bread. Oh, it smells so good while it's baking! And nothing beats a piece fresh out of the oven with a thick layer of butter on top. Of course, it's better for you, without all the additives found in store-bought bread. And you know it's 100% whole wheat. So, what's the hang up?

Well, for me, the hang up was, once the bread cooled, and especially once it was a day old or so, it was coarse, dry, and crumbly, hard to make into sandwiches without making a mess and needing to cut thick slices just so the bread would have a semblance of holding together. It had to be at least 1/2 white flour to combat that, and preferably more. Plus, it took time to make. As a mom with young children, I don't have any extra time just waiting to be used!

But recently I've found both a recipe and method to combat both problems. The method is to use a bread machine. At some thrift stores you can find them for relatively cheap. I'm on my third machine now. The first one, an Oster, simply quit, and the second was making a racket and the thermostat seemed to be giving out. The machine I have now (Regal Kitchen Pro) does a 2 pound loaf, which is bigger than either of my others, and I really like that. A 2 pound loaf is actually enough to split in half and make two decent size, regular loaves. I used to just let the machine do everything for me. What could be simpler? Pour in the ingredients, and out comes a hot loaf a few hours later! I still do that when I'm in a pinch for time. But the loaf pans are rather an awkward shape, and my husband didn't like it too well. So for now I simply add the ingredients, and put the machine on the dough setting. It takes about 5 minutes, including grinding my own flour in my Vitamix! Two hours later, the dough is ready. I divide it in half, and put it into two loaf pans. After letting it rise for 30-45 minutes (depending on how warm the spot is where I leave them!) I pop it in the oven till I can smell that it's done. I know, I should use a timer, but my nose hasn't let me down yet--and children like to fool with timers! Part of the reason this is such a time-saver is because it really cuts down on the dirty dishes/counter you get when making it by hand. You wash the bread machine pan (which usually ends up quite clean by the time the cycle is done anyway) and the loaf pans if you go that route. Done. No messy, sticky flour on the counter or batter on the whisk or sticky dough on the mixing bowl.

So, now for the recipe. It really is the BEST recipe for 100% whole wheat bread. It has never once failed, except the time I forgot about it and it sat in the machine for hours rising, then when my husband reminded me of it we were already in bed, so I jumped up and stuck it in the fridge overnight--and didn't get around to making it until the next evening. It had gotten tired of rising and tasted a little tart. My fault, not the recipe's! Anyway, it is a soft and flexible bread even a couple of days later, and we can easily cut fairly thin slices without it going to pieces on us. I use my Vitamix dry container to grind the flour on the spot as a general rule, but have used whole wheat flour from the store and it works fine. So, are you ready? Here it is!

1 1/2 cups water
2 Tablespoons soft butter
1/4 cup molasses
1 3/4 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons vital wheat gluten
4 cups flour
1 3/4 teaspoon active/bread machine yeast
Put ingredients in machine in order listed, or mix by hand if you don't have a machine as you would any other bread recipe.

A couple words of warning. If you use freshly ground flour I found it tends to be wetter than store-bought. Users of store bought whole wheat flour, you may need to add a Tablespoon or two of water more so that the dough is moist enough. Also, I only use hard white spring wheat. It's sometimes hard to find it in a flour already, but it is just the best for bread. Hard red wheat, the "normal" whole wheat variety, is courser and makes a courser bread. For any other Vitamix owners out there, 1 1/2 cups of wheat berries will grind into about exactly 2 cups of flour. I rarely measure my flour any more, just grind up two batches of 1 1/2 cups of berries and dump it right in. Plus, in that amount the machine seems to do a better job than when I max it out with the full 2 cups berries it can handle.

So, enjoy your bread! And please, if you try it out, leave me a comment so I know how it turned out. I'm curious if others will have the same success I do.