The Aftermath

Having an emergency surgery is scary. And it's not easy to recover when you've lost a good half of your blood volume. Trying to recuperate with three small children, remodeling and moving all at the same time is daunting. But losing a baby in the middle of it all... that is the hardest of all.

We named our baby. We felt like he was a boy, and so he is not an "it". He was a person, real, living, ours... even though we never met him. His name is Treasure. Gone to be with Jesus November 4, 2013. And our hearts ache. Well, more than ache. They are pierced. And I've discovered that the ones who have been through it before can really understand. They know the feeling of a sword in the soul. They know about the tears that come out of nowhere and flood that stinging wound. And they, too, have found the mercy of God bringing sweet balm in the night when the tears won't stop. Now, I know it too.

I remember one night especially. I was laying in my easy chair, looking out into the vast expanse of the dark heavens. Because of residual pain from surgery, I hadn't really been able to let myself cry yet. But the tears started flowing. The emotional pain radiated more excruciating than the physical pain had earlier. I looked at the twinkling stars, and thought of my God. He was big enough to make all that, ALL that amazing expanse, with a word or two. Surely, a God that big could have intervened, could have put Treasure where he belonged, could have stopped this tragedy before it started. But, He didn't. He chose to allow us to walk the path of loss, pain, and anguish. He chose to take Treasure before our precious baby had to discover pain and heartache and sin. He chose to allow Treasure the joys of heaven without the tears of earth. He set our son free. Could I want to bring him back from that, even while my soul yearned against the bonds holding me to earth? I couldn't even question why. I just had a peace flood over me that yes, there was a reason, even though I can't see it now. God was in control, and in His love for Treasure AND for us, He chose to give us the gift of grief.

Knowing I had come so close to joining Treasure in heaven was a little startling for us all, I believe. But, even though I had thought of it as I was being prepped for surgery, I found I was not afraid. I had no apologies to make. Lots to regret, but nothing that hadn't been forgiven. And when it was evident I was going to make it, I found my heart saying with Paul in Philippians "Having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better." Yet too, the heart-groan when you realize that you work on earth is not done! "Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you (meaning, for me, my young family)."

Physically, recovery has been long and hard. After losing so much blood I have been very, very weak. Now it's been more than 6 weeks, and I have gained a little strength back but not a whole lot of stamina. Washing the laundry takes all the strength I have for one day. If I tackle too much, I end up having to rest the entire next day, or two, or three. I have been taking iron tablets to attempt to build my blood up. But my strength is so limited that the Trim Healthy Mama lifestyle has kind of fallen by the wayside. Along with a lot of other things. We have been grateful for much help from church friends and family, bringing meals, helping us move, and helping out with things like laundry and cleaning. I've been told it will probably take around 3 months for me to regain my stamina, so it still seems like a long journey ahead of me.

And the memory of Treasure will remain even after my strength is back and we look like, from the outside, like we always did. But our hearts have been broken, and I trust that God will bring a fragrance from this heart rending that will bring Him honor and glory, and allow us to be a greater blessing to those whom we might chance to meet.

Ectopic Pregnancy

Ectopic (tubal) pregnancies are not all that common, so some may not even know what they are. Others have heard of them, stored the info learned for the future, and went on with life. And others have become experts in them, by the devastating circumstances of having one. And, November 4, I discovered I belonged to this latter category.

And ectopic pregnancy is when a newly conceived baby implants somewhere other than where he belongs, the waiting womb. Most often the spot chosen is in a fallopian tube (thus the common term "tubal pregnancy"), or possibly the ovary or in the abdominal cavity at large. Sometimes it is caught early enough that medication can be used to cause the tube to release the baby, but sometimes there is no sign until the tube ruptures from the pressure of the growing baby. If the tube does rupture, the resulting blood loss can be life threatening. In either case, there is no way to save the baby.

My experience began Monday morning, as I was preparing some things for school. We had known we were pregnant for just more than two weeks, and we were very excited about adding another member to the family. I hadn't been feeling very good already, and was, to be quite honest, dreading the morning sickness coupled with remodeling and taking care of my family. But still, looking forward to July 1 and snuggling a newborn again in my arms. There were several things I found strange about this one. Though I was really hoping for another girl, I felt strongly that it was a boy. And, I found myself wondering if/when I would find myself mourning a miscarriage, as a number of friends had recently been bereaved that way. Almost as if I was being prepared....

I was sitting quietly in the office chair sorting some papers when the pain came. Low in my abdomen, it came in quickly increasing waves. I carefully analyzed it, and decided it must be a bowel issue. Though I had just used the bathroom and hadn't noticed anything unusual. Done with my school prep, I decided to ignore it and head back over to the school room. But I couldn't. It was too intense. I made my way to the bathroom, then to bed. No symptoms but the pain. Feeling a little foolish about being so wimpy about a bowel issue, I called my husband and asked him to come inside and check on me. Thankfully, he was home that day, working on our new house. By the time he came in I could hardly talk. More than just in great pain, I was feeling miserable. Cold, then hot. Sweaty. Sick. The pain was like a bad contraction that wouldn't let up. I finally managed to use the bathroom again, and noticed an extreme pain around the rectal area. (Sorry if too graphic, but I'm hoping that this information might save a life someday.) The pain did subside a little then, though I hadn't noticed any other bowel symptoms, and my husband went back to his project. He had called the clinic, and our doctor was busy with an emergency and wouldn't be able to see us until later. We didn't feel it merited going to the ER, though as EMT's we both should have seen I was at that point in shock. We chalked my shock symptoms up to the pain, and I laid in bed feeling bad that I wasn't getting school done.

I was actually feeling quite a bit better when we got in the van headed for the clinic. But it went downhill quickly from there. I felt faint while checking in, and had to sit down. I was called in promptly, and the nurse couldn't find a blood pressure. She helped me lie down, and ran for the doctor. They transported me via our own ambulance to the ER, where an ultrasound confirmed what I'd refused to consider--the baby was in the tube and it had ruptured. By that time I couldn't lay flat on my back or the pain would radiate up into my chest so intensely I couldn't breathe--a classic symptoms of blood free floating in the abdomen (and, they told me later, so was the localized rectal pain...).

In surgery they removed the "blown apart" tube, and 2 1/2 liters of blood. The average adult body has 4-5 liters of blood, total. The surgeon later told me she would have given me another hour before my heart would have run out of blood to pump, and I would have died. I NEVER passed any blood until several days after the surgery--one symptom that threw us off, as many ectopic pregnancies first show by spotting. 

So please, pass this information on... Shock symptoms are cold, clammy, pale skin, often accompanied by low blood pressure (mine had been low-normal until we got to the clinic and I'd been standing for too long) and feelings of faintness and/or an inability to think clearly. Abdominal pain is not to be ignored, especially if it is localized around the rectum and/or radiates into a shoulder. My body evidently compensates quite amazingly for blood loss, as I never fainted or had a time when I couldn't think clearly. Which is a good thing, if I'm ever in an emergency where I need to do something (like get out of a burning vehicle) while losing blood. But not such a good thing if we don't realize how badly I really am bleeding.

Every person's body is different. Every ectopic pregnancy is different. But do keep it in mind for yourself or a loved one, that shock symptoms, even if they don't always make sense, aren't to be fooled around with. Get to the hospital. Even if it seems like just a normal day. Emergencies happen. Don't take it lightly.

Homemade, Whole Wheat, YUMMY Bread!

I don't know how you feel about home made, whole wheat bread. Oh, it smells so good while it's baking! And nothing beats a piece fresh out of the oven with a thick layer of butter on top. Of course, it's better for you, without all the additives found in store-bought bread. And you know it's 100% whole wheat. So, what's the hang up?

Well, for me, the hang up was, once the bread cooled, and especially once it was a day old or so, it was coarse, dry, and crumbly, hard to make into sandwiches without making a mess and needing to cut thick slices just so the bread would have a semblance of holding together. It had to be at least 1/2 white flour to combat that, and preferably more. Plus, it took time to make. As a mom with young children, I don't have any extra time just waiting to be used!

But recently I've found both a recipe and method to combat both problems. The method is to use a bread machine. At some thrift stores you can find them for relatively cheap. I'm on my third machine now. The first one, an Oster, simply quit, and the second was making a racket and the thermostat seemed to be giving out. The machine I have now (Regal Kitchen Pro) does a 2 pound loaf, which is bigger than either of my others, and I really like that. A 2 pound loaf is actually enough to split in half and make two decent size, regular loaves. I used to just let the machine do everything for me. What could be simpler? Pour in the ingredients, and out comes a hot loaf a few hours later! I still do that when I'm in a pinch for time. But the loaf pans are rather an awkward shape, and my husband didn't like it too well. So for now I simply add the ingredients, and put the machine on the dough setting. It takes about 5 minutes, including grinding my own flour in my Vitamix! Two hours later, the dough is ready. I divide it in half, and put it into two loaf pans. After letting it rise for 30-45 minutes (depending on how warm the spot is where I leave them!) I pop it in the oven till I can smell that it's done. I know, I should use a timer, but my nose hasn't let me down yet--and children like to fool with timers! Part of the reason this is such a time-saver is because it really cuts down on the dirty dishes/counter you get when making it by hand. You wash the bread machine pan (which usually ends up quite clean by the time the cycle is done anyway) and the loaf pans if you go that route. Done. No messy, sticky flour on the counter or batter on the whisk or sticky dough on the mixing bowl.

So, now for the recipe. It really is the BEST recipe for 100% whole wheat bread. It has never once failed, except the time I forgot about it and it sat in the machine for hours rising, then when my husband reminded me of it we were already in bed, so I jumped up and stuck it in the fridge overnight--and didn't get around to making it until the next evening. It had gotten tired of rising and tasted a little tart. My fault, not the recipe's! Anyway, it is a soft and flexible bread even a couple of days later, and we can easily cut fairly thin slices without it going to pieces on us. I use my Vitamix dry container to grind the flour on the spot as a general rule, but have used whole wheat flour from the store and it works fine. So, are you ready? Here it is!

1 1/2 cups water
2 Tablespoons soft butter
1/4 cup molasses
1 3/4 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons vital wheat gluten
4 cups flour
1 3/4 teaspoon active/bread machine yeast
Put ingredients in machine in order listed, or mix by hand if you don't have a machine as you would any other bread recipe.

A couple words of warning. If you use freshly ground flour I found it tends to be wetter than store-bought. Users of store bought whole wheat flour, you may need to add a Tablespoon or two of water more so that the dough is moist enough. Also, I only use hard white spring wheat. It's sometimes hard to find it in a flour already, but it is just the best for bread. Hard red wheat, the "normal" whole wheat variety, is courser and makes a courser bread. For any other Vitamix owners out there, 1 1/2 cups of wheat berries will grind into about exactly 2 cups of flour. I rarely measure my flour any more, just grind up two batches of 1 1/2 cups of berries and dump it right in. Plus, in that amount the machine seems to do a better job than when I max it out with the full 2 cups berries it can handle.

So, enjoy your bread! And please, if you try it out, leave me a comment so I know how it turned out. I'm curious if others will have the same success I do.