No kisses in my heart...

"I have no kisses in my hawt." 

It's been a pretty common phrase around here, though it seems to be waning a bit lately. It comes from the mouth of a little girl who is feeling grumpy and wants a legitimate way to avoid an "unpleasant" task. We laugh it off on the outside, but always there's this little nagging feeling of being rejected. Of manipulation. Of something that just isn't quite what it should be. Deep down in my mama heart when my precious little girlie I'd give anything for stands back with pouty lips and downcast eyes and says "I don't have any kisses in my hawt." it stings.



I have no kisses in my heart for you. No affection worth overcoming my bad attitude for. No delight in your presence. No joy in being your daughter. My feelings just aren't there right now, so I'm going to push you away. I'll go to bed without my good night kiss rather than bend my emotions. My feelings are more important to me than you are. My emotions will run the show. If you force the issue I'll just give a reluctant peck on the cheek with soft lips that do not pucker. My wispy long eyelashes you love so much will bat down to shield my face from your gaze. I am going to stomp on your love tonight. See you in the morning.







Ouch. That kind of hurts. We know love must be freely given if it's really worth anything. We can't force someone to love us. To love us enough to lay aside their love for themselves and do something they don't "want" to do. Forced outward actions will never reach the heart--their heart or ours.

The first time or two, yes, we found it funny. Such an original idea! But as it continued, I began to meditate on what was behind it all. And then I saw myself. Just a wee bit pouty. No one had time for ME today. I gave and worked and helped and trained and gave some more, and all anyone did was ask for more. Maybe there was just the slightest chip on my shoulder as I crawled into bed. "I don't have time and energy, Lord, to have my quiet time. Sorry." No kisses in my heart tonight. Nothing real big, just a little feeling of embarrassment because I'd missed that quiet time yesterday too. Just a little peeved at how the day had gone. Just a little. Nothing much. And surely I can use the excuse this time that I'm exhausted. I really am. Nevermind I had stayed up so late because I saw an interesting conversation on FaceBook and couldn't put it down, but I'm just too tired and it's late and I... have no kisses in my heart for you, God. No affection worth overcoming my bad attitude for. No delight in your presence. No joy in being your daughter. My feelings just aren't there right now, so I'm going to push you away. I'll go to bed without my good night kiss rather than bend my emotions. My feelings are more important to me than you are. My emotions will run the show. My weary eyelids with fall shut, and another day will be gone without making a connection with that loving Father.

Ouch.

I have no kisses in my heart, tonight, God.